Soul Cleavage

2011-11-29T00:30:00.003+08:00

I've been spending some time reading archives of old blogs, mine or not, and here I am penning down thoughts of the aftermath of that. I began browsing through writings of 2008, while my heart very much belonged to a girl whom I believed to be the love of my life. In fact, I've been consuming myself with my love for being in love that it clouded my judgment towards many of the people I have thought myself to 'love'.

It has been 3 years since I walked the path of being straight. I won't facade the truth and deny that it wasn't hard turning straight. It was lonely and bittersweet. Friends were scarce because we didn't share that common sexuality preference. I walked into heterosexuality practically naked, figuratively. I grazed my days working away from home just to steer clear of comfort; that familiarity of my old life.

Re-visiting all those years of my life via blog posts gave me a deeper closure in many ways. And believe me, even after years of being a stranger to homosexuality and my ex-girlfriend, I am thoroughly guilty of having done the worst things in my life. One of the largest misdeeds in this 24 years of my life, is to have hurt a girl in such a way that I am still responsible for the inflictions I caused. That, is a baggage I'll always carry under my belt. And if she ever reads this, I hope she knows that I am sorry, so very sorry, and that I seek forgiveness.

Looking at the way things are now, I can safely and confidently proclaim to myself that I am contented, no matter how rough things may get. I am 24, earning my own keep, paying the bills at home, partially supporting my mother, grateful for my job of 2 years, blessed with an old new Godfamily, and sharing a blissful imperfect perfect relationship with a very beautiful man.

When I trace back and reminisce about my past relationships, I am strickened with a heavy heart. This heart fills with regret, guilt, sadness, pain, anger, bittersweetness, angst, and even hate, whenever it is mentioned alongside past relationships. When I think of what I have with Ben right now, what comes to mind is an imperfect perfect relationship. But for what it's worth, I believe I have found the only guy in this world, who'll always run back to me. In my books, it's not in the unforgiveness of walking away, it's the walking back that counts; it's not about the fights, it's the making up; it's not about the winning, it's about returning into each others' arms and feeling grateful to the heavens that there is still fight for love.

I no longer thrive on that darkness which felt so good, so comfortable. Gone are the days when I doubt more than I believe. I have Ben, and he is my pillar. And I hope to be his too. For the rest of our lives. No regrets. And I'm happy with my lot.

2011-10-20T22:05:00.004+08:00

This dark night, has descended upon me like a filthy plague. It is wretching my thoughts blackened, yet baking me with a sickless fever. This night, I've realised how much solace I've been seeking in God, and in mindless club beats.

I'm experiencing an all new low with the emulsion of everything. The debris wouldn't budge and it spins in a clogged circulation of unpleasant emotions. My stomach is churning up a vomit but my throat is tightening to stop it.

A mind can only think so far. A heart can only feel so deep. And alas, a human can only undergo this much.

I don't know how else to do anything and everything. No longer.

2011-10-06T19:06:00.002+08:00

It's not like you wish to die, but sometimes living when you know most of you inside has already perished. And sometimes, when your heart and beliefs have fully numbed from everyone else's consumption, God sifts a certain kind of unseen hope back in. By the grace and love of God, I've taken a larger appreciation for the subtlest things in life, my life in specifics.

You see, this is how I live it - with the little hope I breathe in, I have the strength and courage to have faith, and when faith kicks in, I am able to love the way love is meant to be given. And freely it should be.

For the past couple of years, or for as long as I can trace back in memory of recent years, I have been praying for my parents; not for their reonciliation (I let go of that hope nearly a decade ago. I told you, I've lost track of the years.), but for them to be able to move on and forward with wisdom, happiness and reflection. And that made me at peace, knowing that I am no longer oblivious to the concept of the non-dramatics of indifference.

Today, I am pricked with a shock from my conscience. A jolt of suddenness kicked in as I realised I may have been praying wrongly. Which child prays for their parents' divorce? God gave me the wisdom of seeking for what's best mapped out to them by Him, and not by my worldly knowledge of what's ideal.

My internal self is no longer as dark as it used to be. And this thriving fact brings me peace; a kind of comfort I don't think anyone else but me would understand. And this, I assume, is my relationship with God.

More than often, God sends people, and in my case a particular person, to help the unbelievers. He sent me Ben, and He sent me these wonderful 12 months of my kind of perfect. Don't get me wrong, I've never wanted something perfect. I've always wanted something rough and trying, so that someone imperfectly perfect would journey this arduous years with me, in complete harmony of the ups and downs. And Ben is "that one". Everyday that I am sane, I remind myself how fortunate and blessed I truly am, and how grateful I ought to be everytime I begin feeling stray inside.

Sure, the future doesn't look certain or sketched in details, but today's indefinitely a better future of the many yesterdays I endured and got through.

So thank you God, and thank you mum, and thank you Ben, for being floats when I was sinking, for being wings when I free-fell, for saving me from who I was.

2011-08-09T23:14:00.003+08:00

You make me feel proud, of every side and part of you. It's a slightly invincible and awe-striking kind of unexplainable pride. I can't remember a happier moment, apart from the ones I've had since you've been around.

It's been perfect having you around these past 10 months. And with 9 months of your love, I couldn't be happier. Thank you, for the best memories of my life.

2011-07-15T17:11:00.003+08:00

Alas, an afternoon with a break from the hustle and bustle from work that is not plagued with fatigue of the mental department. The light of day seems to be crystallising every strand of thought of what has happened, what could happen and what is happening now. It is with sheer pride and joy and gratitude that I'm able to say that Benjamin and I have braved through nearly 9 months of wonderful and imperfectly perfect love, and this song seemingly and aptly metaphorises how much we love to be able to have what we have today. When the days and nights dull with thin fragility and affirmative love, I have Ben to cushion the cynic in me. I could have been worse or in worse state than I ever was, but God's love of sending a wonderful man to love me has made life worth journeying.

So much has been detered (referring to the supposed baptism earlier this year) and so much has been lifting up (referring to my third and determined attempt at attaining baptism next year, with Ben consistently urging me with every sense of encouragement). This try at reaching baptism is one that has provided me with optimal motivation, because I know that Ben is right by me to take on this embarkment with me.

The afternoon in solitude has rushed feelings and thankfulness and reflections within me, and shifted me closer to these sensations that I have so long forgotten. I enjoy emotions and I like feeling gratefully fortunate.

This relationship is the first and only that I am lacking the insecurity of being left and abandoned. It almost feels like a solemnisation of an eternity together in love. This feels like a lifetime in its in best perspective.

So this song clearly describes us in tough times, and this song is for you Ben. I love you always and if God permits, I'd love you in heaven when we perish from our bodies.

Errant heat to the star
and the rain let in
the hawser rolls, the vessel’s whole and Christ, it’s thin

Well Iʼd know that you’d offer
would reveal it, though it’s soft and flat
won’t repeat it, cull and coffer’s that
for the soffit, hang this homeward
pry it open with your love
sending lost and alone standing offers

It is steep / it is stone
such recovery
from the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper’s keep

All the news at the door
such a revelry
well, it’s hocked inside of everything you said to me

It was found what we orphaned
didn’t mention it would serve us picked
said your love is known
I’m standing up on it

aren’t we married?!
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
It’s not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it

Heavy mitted love

Our love is a star
sure some hazardry
for the light before and after most indefinitely

Danger has been stole away
…
This is us

2011-06-25T21:14:00.002+08:00

Perfect this way. No other way. (:

2011-06-25T20:27:00.002+08:00

Re-watching Nowhere Boy this evening, heavily reminded me of the fondest first date I've ever had. Almost ten months ago, I saw it through my (literal) eyes and wondered why your eyes glistened with intrigue at anything The Beatles, but today I saw it through yours and a whole new universe unravelled before me. Much has changed, very much for the better. The world turned a three-sixty when I began loving you, but my heart has not an utter of complaint.

Life becomes worthwhile when you've found your soulmate, and I have you. You are God's way of assuring me that I will never have to look at life as death again.

2011-06-09T12:17:00.002+08:00

You should've known when I was thinner than your sight. You should've known the way I was holding that kitchen knife, and the way I was fallen to the ground. You found out when you heard that ugly sound, that ugly sound. Have I loved enough? Have I loved too much? Am I about as heart for hire, no pitting polish scrub.

Maybe Justin Vernon from Bon Iver lives and breathes the way I do.

2011-05-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

To truly love and bare your heart into the loving, is to be unconditionally susceptible to getting hurt. Not in a form of being let down, but of being entirely prepared that feelings that you own not being reciprocated. You had no say in it as much as you had no choice. It just happens, just like breathing in every ounce of inhalation. It's so challenging, living every year knowing that yours is a heart that forgives, for love.

And I'm starting to get sick of the way I lament with theories and philosophies of my youth. I miss the summers.

2011-05-26T16:21:00.002+08:00

I'll cradle your face and gently sashay from side to side when this song plays.

2011-05-18T23:20:00.003+08:00

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

2011-05-12T01:24:00.003+08:00

"I love you forever". Utterings of a heartfelt whisper took effects in more than loud thumpings of a heart. For once in this whole life of mine, I believe these words.

Forever once carried a staunch and impoverished impression, that it is a term used and meant only aligned alongside cynicism. How a heart could ever feel this magnificently at home nearly escaped from all remembrances of possibilities, yet here I have a home in our hearts. Subtlety of happiness at its simplest holds immaculate power, ironically. Love, finally found and nurtured, feels assured with both intangible and tangible perpetuity - is almost materially and literally ascertained, with trust I have never harboured thought to believe in giving. In this love, sorrow never surpassses sadness, and joy is very often the first words we have to portray us (as a matter of factly). I'd run back to you and you'd be running back to me at the same time; unconditionally and by fate, we'd always run to meet halfway. That, love, is my greatest assurance from and to you.

As long as our hearts are intertwined and with one another, that's where my home is. These are the words I believe we'd grow old together enough to live to witness through our own love and not through any other.

There will be no "I love you forever too", or "I love you forever back" or "I loved you forever first". We will grow old and grow up together, throughout every phase of our lives hence forth.

"And I love you forever" is what I say to you.

2011-05-07T20:18:00.003+08:00

Because it's true. I'm nothing without you.

I've just had the happiest 6 months of my life, and every single memory of that has you in it. You are the motivation that sustained me these 6 months. I'm excited for the rest of our lives together. Arent you? (:

2011-04-20T15:07:00.002+08:00

I feel so alone in this world, in my world. I feel like a freak of my thoughts.

Solo hours attempting at deriving an outcome from thinking, many stubborn questions but only a bouldered heart drags inside this well-fatigued frame. As I cushion myself on physical comfort, my neck chokes with irreversible regret. My forecasts of a silently delirious breakdown does not actualize, but I am still feeling. The years has licked me by and there are stains of chase. Evidences of the chase leave me exasperated, but it is all well-known that the chase is involuntarily infinite. Infinity. Such a sacred word to be married to a jading source. The irony of it all, mocks my every futile effort.

God, I am lost. I have stopped being hopeful of a tomorrow. Today is the furthest I can go, or so I tell myself. But every today manages to survive to another tomorrow. And merely surviving makes me no happier than the thought of re-staging out another tomorrow purely on the basis of only pulling through.

I want certainty. I want consiatency. I want both, in the happiness that lives too short to comprehend.

2011-04-18T16:13:00.000+08:00

“Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong.”

2011-04-17T22:04:00.002+08:00

Noone has made me quite as happy the way you do. Thank you, for almost 6 months of faithfulness, patience, kindness, understanding and love.

Nothing compares. Everything else pales when it comes to you.

2011-04-07T20:57:00.003+08:00

Being the anal perfectionist that I am, I baked Ben's birthday cake 2 days in advance, to ensure flawlessness and to ascertain that the cake is sufficiently firm/chilled for neat cutting. I made a smaller portion since there were extra batter and crust. It's been a knock-out so far. I just hope Ben, his family and his friends enjoy it as much as my family did.

Recipe from Bakerella.

2011-04-04T21:37:00.004+08:00

Birthday boy-to-be makes me happy in ways that even he himself cannot count. But before that, beautiful boy and I will be hitting 5 months old together. Sooner than we could snap our fingers to realise, he would be stepping into the world of university. We're both growing older quicker (in more ways than literally) than we imagined dating to feel like, but we do have a common vision of an unseparated future.

And it's everything that we are, that holds all meaning to this little world of mine. (:

2011-03-28T15:46:00.002+08:00

Narrator:

(So apropos:

Saw death on a sunny snow)

Him:

"For every life..."

Her:

"Forgoe the parable."

Him:

"Seek the light."

Her:

"...My knees are cold."

(Running home, running home, running home, running home...)

Her:

"Go find another lover;

To bring a... to string along!"

"With all your lies,

You're still very lovable."

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

Bon Iver must have loved her very deeply, who ever she was.

You are the one, who made changed my perspectives. You are the one, who makes every single detailed difference to what I thought was true to believe. I'd probably lose my world and all heart to love another, if I ever lost you.

Thank you for never thinking of walking out. Thank you for the unwavering faith you have, and for the faith you instill in me. Thank you, for being my perfect kind of different. Thank you, for restoring this lost heart of mine.

2011-03-27T17:57:00.002+08:00

UO stuff are so yummy for the eyes. Rough idea for friends for my turning 24 birthday.

Oh, you may click on names of items to view pictures.

1. Deena and Ozzy Foldover Boot (Size 6, Brown)
2. Chelsea Crew Savoy Wedge Boot (Size 6, Black)
3. Wood Wood Tote Bag (Brown)

Or should I just stop considering and buy it already?

2011-03-26T22:27:00.002+08:00

Hurt, please go away. Misery, please don't overwhelm me. Because old habits die hard, so hard.

God, please hear me tonight. God, I have noone. God, I feel miserable. God, all I can think of is letting me die.

2011-03-24T18:44:00.003+08:00

It saddens me to the core of my soul, that you chose to be complacent on the little faith and trust I was left with for our relationship. It was a great blood-tied love that I held priceless as a promise to God. But you have mercilessly disregarded the pains you have caused to the many hearts that make this home. And it's this very you that has evolved over the many years, that caused three women to be labelled with a 'broken home'.

With the series of pitfalls in fate that has been a constant in this family, I can no longer bring myself to love and view you the way I could, because all you are to me comprises of multitudes of pasts involving unimaginable hurt. You used to be a figure of respect and adoration to me. You used to be the protector of the world that I yearned and battled to remember, but you have shirked those roles and have compelled me to inherit them.

All my heart wants to do now, is to stop beating.

2011-03-21T21:09:00.003+08:00

You feel like sunrise every morning. You feel like pleasant dreams every night. You feel like the best moment of my life, every second in between.

Perhaps it's true, I fell in love at hello with you.

2011-02-04T13:16:00.002+08:00

Alas, in the finest and simplest luxury of slinking my aching mind back in my resting arena of a couch. All kinds of thoughts and intentions have belted at me this week, yet there is not one that is recollected to be prominent enough to be executed. My mind seems adrift, nearly blank, but surely there are thousands of these matters that totter at the back of this thinking space. There is just too much love lost this year, so much loss that tragedy appears eminent.

Here in the well of my heart, I wish I could be the best of everything that I am - first and most formally, a daughter; an other half to the man who loves me certainly as much as I do him; a best friend to the strangers God have sent to be inclined to feel as near as family. These people, are the closest I have to family.

Hope as a position, is devlishly interpreted as vacant, but I am no fool to the marvels of hope, and there is hope everywhere. There is love every corner we turn, and my corner of this fundamental of hope is within you.

I love you.

2011-01-24T01:02:00.002+08:00

There is a life ahead, that's made for me and you together.

Maybe you will be the one who shows me what forever is.

2011-01-12T18:44:00.002+08:00

I made a promise to you long ago, that I’d do anything to keep this home.

We met at ButterFactory. I (, who had a drink too much,) picked him up without agenda with a "hi what's your name?", made him sit and listen to my ramblings in my drunkard stupor, persuaded him into our first and last (to date) dance with him, gentlemanly walked him to his taxi, and our first song refuses to get less radical than Frozen Creek. Everything reads trashy and seems to be interpretated not to endure, but this is the most beautiful relationship I've ever had.

2011-01-09T01:40:00.003+08:00

Your family welcomed and accepted me with so much love and acceptance that the night leaves me overwhelmed. There is nothing in this memory capacity of mine that recalls being sincerely loved, until now. And with this gratitude and appreciation for the immaterially superior insertion, feelings deepen and fasten themselves secure - assurance of safety and a future together.

With this ascertained affinity on my part, comes the perfect knowledge of the fact that there is a world of what we have built to be lost. I am afraid, of facing the admittance of truly being happy, for fear that it may be taken away. Above fearing the thieves of joy, I fear that someday this imperfect perfection may transition into a translation of you walking away. Ultimately, I am scared, of losing you. These words do not manifest the distrust I have in you; complete trust is something rare and seldom, that has been naturally and thoroughly entrusted to you. I just plainly and simply, am inconfident of myself of being able to retain any good love. You are entirely different from every other guy I've ever known, and I know that well. You hold me and without a word uttered, I am safe. Your heart has become my home.

It is crucially important that you read this (or at least this portion of my long-winded muse). Despite the rough night of our second month of getting together, I still believe in a future with you. I still want to love you for as long as our lives prolong. I still want to be dreaming of multitudes of things with you even after fulfilling what we deem as dreams now. We share beautiful dreams. We share great dreams. We dream of things that this world wouldn't ever understand. And we share these dreams together. You're so special. We're so special.

Frozen Creek. Despite its lyrics and intentions, this tune will always reverbrate the best reminisce of the first day I was over at your place.

I love you, till it never ends, my Goldfish.

2011-01-05T13:21:00.003+08:00

In 2011, I will...

- Be prayerful, thankful and always keep God close
- Get baptised and confirmed on Easter Day
- Approach Michael's parents to be my godparents at baptism and beyond
- Work hard for the 3 confirmed contracts I clinched with Town4Kids
- Be the best damn teacher I can ever be
- Be filial to my parents and godparents
- Be a loving girlfriend to Benjamin and love his family as my own, to my utmost
- Give mum $200 every month
- Give dad $100 every month
- Save at least $500 every month
- Save at least $5,000 by the end of the year
- Bring mum for a sponsored trip (which I intend to make an annual tradition)
- Go on a short trip with Benjamin and my best friends (maybe this could be combined with the one sponsored for mum.)
- Quarterly treat my best friends to meals
- Visit the dentist for scaling
- Get my Panasonic Lumix LX3
- Quit smoking

2011-01-05T01:21:00.004+08:00

My sister made an entry, in sepia-toned retrospect and with fond nostalgia. She writes so beautifully and so exquisitely, that her narrations drive me back to the days, where love was openly abundant, under this roof we now can only bittersweetly address as Home. I was transported to the various scenarios as her prose flowed, word after word. It was then, that I was faced with the appalling realisation of how much I had made myself forget. Here and now, I attempt at digging up the archaelogy of memories beginning from way back.

He took me to the Yamaha music learning school and instructed me to make a life-changing decision, at four. He squatted down to the height of my little frame and his exact words were,"if you go right, you'll learn piano. If you go left, you'll learn ballet." Right I turned towards, and Right was the direction that would discern the many years of how I grew up and it would eventually carve a career out for me. Tough love, but surely, Daddy loves me very deeply.

There were the Saturday supper nights, many hours after spending evenings at grandma's. A family in sleepwear, adjourning to various locations to have our weekend night-time supper eat-outs. At times it would be Macdonalds at Kallang, other nights he'd just drive us alongside big and luxurious private landed estates. June and I would vie for the front seat, and Mummy would always let us have it when it rightfully belonged to her. I would carry my colourful soft toy of a caterpillar lovingly mentioned as Dardar where ever I went. I remember us sisters intentionally feigning deep sleep in the car, so that both parents would carry us, one child for one parent, back home and have us tucked into bed.

A birthday. Mummy's birthday. The only birthday of hers that Daddy ever bought her a gift for. Birthdays always ring bells of familiarity. He had gotten her Gucci's Envy. And it was the sweetest gesture I had ever witnessed from them. Second to that would be us siblings discovering that they were holding hands, hidden under an umbrella in the rain. The other moments of saccharine were occasional and indirect. But these two, I would never forget the precision and vividness of these memories.

The night, that night, one that they finally spent a night sleeping in the same room, after 6 years of sleeping apart as husband and wife. The night of hope for us both. The night I deemed was going to save any broken relationship around here. The way my mum spoke with so much hope and heart, about them rekindling their ties as a married couple, as man and woman blessed by God to always stay as One, provided me with pure and undeterred hope.

The fateful mishap, when he collapsed in the toilet, when we had to literally carry a grown man to the hospital, when I thought I was going to lose my father of this world to an accident. The three of us stayed nearly throughout the night. Mummy had work the following day and I had school. When I had reached the hospital to join my parents, Mummy was holding onto his hands while he was slightly delirious from post-surgery and morphine. Although deeply moved, I was old and jaded enough an age, to know that this mortality-threatening incident wouldn't be sufficiently awakening to patch things up between them. I had wished that his recuperation would require the hospital staying him in for a longer period of time, so that their lovingness would last a little longer.

These are meerly snippets of what can be surfaced by recollection. The things remembered are minimal, but they shall always be profoundly etched in hearts that they matter to.

I could have never clicked the link leading to my sister's blog, but I did anyhow. I could have never thoroughly read through her post, but I did anyhow. I could have been misled into believing that my sister never cared as much as I did, but God showed me, in littlest ways of the unexpectation, and through this entry, that my sister hasn't desserted me to deal with this familial ordeal alone.

I have a man, though by age still a boy, who treats me and my family with sincere love. For certain, I know that he is going to stand by me through these upcoming trying periods of my life. He is finally the one, who is willing to stay and rough it out. He loves me genuinely. He has so much kindness and compassion and empathy in his heart, that it is hard for anyone not to love him. And how fortunate and blessed can I be, that I'm the only girl who gets his undivided love and concern. I am whole-heartedly thankful for Ben, every conscious moment of every day. Ben happened to me, out of the oddest of scenarios and unpredicted circumstances. Ben happened to me, when love was not part of my plan. God let Ben happen to me. And that day Ben happened to me, was the luckiest day of my life.

Things could have been better. They always could have been. But I am contented with my fill and what blessings I have been given. My life may not read perfect, but love is already perfecting it. Everything happens for reasons. God intends it that way, for the growth of our maturity. These hardships and these endless suffering, has made us nurture into strong and good people. God does love us so much, we just have to grow up someday to see it. And as long as I love, I know I will grow to become a better person, each day as it passes. I'll just have to leave what I am unable to control, in His hands. He will show me the way.

Could you possibly understand where this is coming from?

"certain ideas flash to our minds with a smell, a sight, or thought of something that triggers the memory. always and every time, my mind returns to 10 years ago when we first bought the guitar the the abba cd. we were in my room, listening to fernadez when my dad struck a pose across the doorway with the guitar slung over his chest... then, he strummed to an improvised version of abba with lyrics of having picked me up from the garbage and how my mom smelt like that. my mom then boast that my dad could play the drums too. all in good humour. the light was dimmed that evening and the air was cool and fresh in the room - a mid year christmas. i laughed my ass off so badly in that phase that the term st.smiley stuck on quickly to my uproarious laughter as i rang the kangaroo bell through the house at 8am most mornings going "wakey wakey, rise and shine sleeping beauty". a nuisance, but always most determine to turn every wrong side of the bed right with a beam. some times, i wonder where i went to.

the time my sister had septic artheristis, i slept in my favourite corner of my dad's room convinced that his worldly pressence would chase the night ghosts casts by the looming cast iron piece over the masterbedroom. i was convinced my sis would die and made an errornous call one day to woodbridge instead of kk and was scared stiff by the old man that greeted me on the other line. we - my dad and i - made many circles around the florists and ate our daily most delicious wanton mee before buying a lettuce pie up (vegetables never appealed to me but i remembered that being exceptionally delicious).

i remember the drama that ensued from a late night hospitalisation which i thought was the end of many bad things with the love it brought forth, but tender things like love fade as quickly as recovery gained speed. i sat by the hospital bed reading great expectations and could not help but feel so blessed with this tragic but blissful moment.

then, the last of the things i remember. a birthday. a dinner. and the one moment my tongue went backwards - i had no words, only sadness. i remember all as if from a past life because i can hardly comprehend them now. love, i don't know how else to say this but love has no way to die. like energy, it can be converted to other forms but has no death incapacitated by time or space.

love, is such a strong feeling in our hearts.

memories - to forget them would be impossible with the intricacies in which they are intertwined with our personalities. i keep recalling for i fear forgetting. however, with each recollection, the memory is less of its own character and more of the additions your creative mind takes to invent."

2011-01-04T22:58:00.003+08:00

I'll never ever forget, how Your love took over. I'll never forget, how afraid and fearless I was, at the same time, to let You in. I'll never ever forget, how You freed my troubles and burdens. I'll never forget, that total release of my heart and soul. I'll never forget, the whispers You brushed against my worries, telling me to let the world go, assuring me that You will hold my fragile self and take the weight from me and upon Your shoulders. That was the point, I stopped giving up on myself, because You never forsaked me. That was the point, I stopped feeling unworthy of living. That was the point, I was light and lifted of my pain.

I am worthy of this life. I want to live it right. I want to be a better person. I want to make You proud.

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

2011-01-01T21:52:00.005+08:00

This sums up 2010 for me. Rediscovering love and familial affinity in the people whom which may not be blood-related. These people are everything to me.

I met a boy. We met under unorthodoxical circumstances. We began dating. We fell in love. Now, I'm starting to believe that I have found my soulmate.

I'll spend it all on loving you.

2010-12-24T17:42:00.002+08:00

These people, are my world. These people, make my family.

It was all I could ever ask for, while it lasted. My childhood was picture perfect.

2010-12-24T01:39:00.002+08:00

God has blessed me abundantly. I do not lack. Contentment is all there is to it. One of my biggest blessings, is my love. This boy, is the one who stole my grey skies and adorned them with flowery rainbows.

And I could not ask for more.

2010-12-21T02:33:00.003+08:00

No stranger has loved me, more than you do and have been. My heart is inclined alongside yours, and abandonment shall and will never pose as an option towards you. You are my imperfect, perfect beautiful man.

Hear me out and believe me, because my faith in us is sturdy as a fortress. Sailing towards a lifetime, we are. Lock this promise up with me with the intertwined affinity we share.

"Always" is not a term in the list of vocabulary that is utilised and implemented very frequently by me, but be my "always". What we have is nothing short of magnificently breathtaking. Every bone and ounce of me, just wants to make you happy and wishes intently to be the cause of your smiles.

There is nothing to look back at, because all that my being wants to do is to immerse in this Present and that Future, with you.

I love you, Benjamin Tay Aik Joo.

2010-12-20T02:04:00.002+08:00

Father Goh told us that we have given Jesus the best birthday present, by being convinced of love, but on the other hand, Jesus has given me the greatest Christmas present I could have ever received - His love and his forgiveness.

This Christmas, my intentions of rave parties and feasts have simmered to a simple desire, to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be brimmed with contentment with loved ones around me.

I want to write. I want so much to literate and have these memories of my experience with God inscripted onto a tangible vice, so that I would never forget what it felt and feels like being completely protected by Him. I want to be able to read back what amazing feels like in this breathing spirit of mine during doubtingly trying days. I want to forevermore be in this state of body mind soul and spirit. I want to remain this free. I want to be this child of God, vulerable yet unafraid. I want to always feel this love that I know would never be taken away from me, regardless of trials and tribulations my journeys may bring.

Forgiveness from the heart, is breathtakingly beautiful. The act, the notion, the genuity and the truth of forgiveness, has liberated every aspect of me - my body, my mind, my soul, my spirit. I am freed of grudges long borne toward people who caused me harm or hurt. As much as my conscious lip had me fooled into believing that I was nobody in position to grant forgiveness, I was weighed with tremendous unforgiveness towards certain people in my life. For the first time in my life, I fully comprehended and understood the meticulous sacrifice made by my Lord Jesus. A Father's love, is great and immeasurable. My Father's love, is that love. I could never view love the way I grew up generalising it as. I could never put myself through believing that love is weak. I could never tell myself, that love would depart.

Dear Jesus, thank you, for freeing me, for holding me in your warm embrace when all I reeked of were inhibitions, for touching my heart and spirit, for showing me what love is all about. My faith has been renewed, my hopes have been lifted up high, and love will carry me through this life. Teach me and guide me, to pray true and deep. I never want to lose the feeling of being close to You as I did the past 4 days. I want to relive it every day for the rest of my life. I believe I have never ever said this to You, Father, so I will start right now. I love you Jesus. I love you, like a child loves her Father and like a soul loves its Saviour.

Faith, hope, love - God, I am here believing, because I've got You.

2010-12-15T15:02:00.002+08:00

This brokenness wouldn't leave.

2010-12-15T00:09:00.005+08:00

The division of the flat is finalised and concluded. Less than two weeks before Christmas, yet God couldn't try His best to be more tactful towards my feelings. Perhaps it is the closure my mum needs. But right now, I'm in such a delirious state that the pain feels so surreal. There are shattered pieces of glass across the hall. I am holding onto my dog because she is the only one in this family that is still remotely fondly famliar. She is the only one at this very moment that offers and provides me comfort. She is the only one who feels humane. She is the only one that feels a better emotion called Love. There is more to fear than yet another round of physical violence and anticipation of departures. I don't want to step out and witness once more, how ugly my parents are.

You both, have broken my heart, inside out. You have mercilessly bled my soul dry. You have made me unbelonged. You have made me into a monster without control tonight.

I am human. I, too, can fall too hard. I am breakable, and I have died, again. I wish I literally could, right now.

Faith, Hope, Love, stay close. God, I need You now. Keep me sane. Keep me wanting to stay sane, because all I want now is to be taken away. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be in this God-forsaken house. I want to ruin myself. But above all, I need to reserve control against what I feel now. So God, where are you now?

I am but a piece of shattered glass on that floor.

2010-12-10T02:46:00.002+08:00

I want to share a kiss with you under the mistletoe. I want to cook for you. I want to bake for you. I want to say silly things to cause your laughters. I want to learn the guitar from you. I want to defend you, under any circumstance. I want to be the reason of your smiles and the cure to your pains. I want to do so much with and for you, to add on to our happy memories together.

I need to. I love you so very dearly, Benjamin Tay. You hear me?

2010-12-08T01:35:00.002+08:00

You're my superman. With you, I'll never be unhappy or lost again.

2010-12-05T20:51:00.005+08:00

The Saturday night of the forth of December this year, my love for you collided into its revelation and snapped into maturity. From the cautious and guarded 'love' it once was, it has transcended into an unfathomable force of blind power - one so impaired to implement forceful control. Today is the day, of the commence of the bearing of that invincible love, a love that would never be retracted come what may. I'd never feel whole or complete without you from here on, and from here on, I'd be lost and distraught if you would ever forsake me. This day is one, that you would forever more note and remember having concrete access to the deepest recesses of my soul - the best of me, and what used to be the handicapped giver in me that was thought to be lost. Every guarded fortress met their respective exhaustion. Admittingly, I am weary from resisting and distrusting you for no rhyme or reason.

Damage now poses as the biggest danger you could ever put me through, but I'd still choose to love you all over again.

Ben, you are my good karma. You are that good karma that I've been dumped so many times for so that I could meet you someday. You are the good karma I have earned, after paying back for the many hearts I have broken. You are the one who unexpectedly, walked right into my life to heal me. You are the only one I wouldn't plunge into loving, but would be the only one that I'd wind up loving for a lifetime. You are the only one, who would undoubtingly protect me with every ounce of your might and will. You are the one, who would never intentionally hurt me with your lips and your bare hands. You are the only one, after unpredictable twists of fate all this while, who would fight for me and share the fight for love with me.

Perhaps it's as true as it feels deep, that my exception has finally knocked my door.

You happened, to me. Happy first monthsary love. (:

2010-12-03T01:01:00.001+08:00

Home is where your heart is, and in Benjamin's heart, I am safely home.

2010-12-02T21:05:00.002+08:00

My youth has been maxed out re-writing all types of resolutions for a broken home, a detailed and meticulous wreckage that was not my doing. Years that belonged to me, have been inserted into an accumulation of nearly a decade, in making up and compensating for mistakes that were never made by me. These are not my sins and blunders. These are not my worries to weigh me with age of every form. Life-changing sacrifices have been made on my part. What else am I lacking in the doing and the giving?

Home is where the heart is. Where's my heart?

2010-12-02T02:13:00.002+08:00

The air is crochetted with nightfall and a thick spread of solace. All grim faces lace away in a wash of an eye's blink. Wretchedness no longer prevail in these recent days. Felicity floats lightly and sweeps across as smiles in snippety whiffs of saccharine.

Woman meets a beautiful man with a beautiful soul. Woman falls in love with the beautiful man's beautiful soul.

Woman loves beautiful Man. I love you.

2010-12-01T02:58:00.003+08:00

Sinus' visit is so bad tonight, my body has concluded in losing so much fluids via my nose. To worsen circumstances, my tattoo is itching up a storm and all I want to do is bark my back up against a rough wall. With additional causes of insomnia (or being unable to crash into unconsciousness for the night), checking out atrological compatability seems to be the next best thing to do while munching on oreo cookies.

Ben and I spent a solid total of 4 hours over the phone this evening. We have been counting down the days to the Christmas party and our Bangkok (virgin overseas) trip. 24 more days to Christmas and 25 days to our flight to Bangkok!

Sometimes, it seems so silly (and almost foolish) to me that you are giving and compromising so much for me and for us. Other times, I am drawn into a conscious belief that I must've been a really kind and good person that God allowed to let us meet, in the oddest of places. Which ever the actual reason(s) to all this amazing progress we're making together in this relationship may be, we're in a great place. I'm in a perfect place in life now. Thank you, for enduring me for these months now and for being ever-so patient. I was the first girl you'd ever love and those were emotionally dangerous risks you took by waiting by for me to be ready. You took the plunge of risking on any way. So thank you, for not giving up on my ability to love and for seeing the best in me when I was distraught.

I ~~kinda~~ love us.

2010-11-29T20:35:00.003+08:00

You are due for home. Anxiousness has been causing me to jump up at every text or call today. But no, none of them were from you. Not a word for 3 entire days now.

Did you even try?

2010-11-29T12:24:00.002+08:00

I can't imagine life without you both. I'll always have your backs.

2010-11-28T01:04:00.003+08:00

Love of mine, today is my best friend's birthday. You should have been there with us this evening. It was lovely, and overwhelmed with familial affections and friendship. It felt like a feast with friends who have known each other forever. This has been repeated over and over via various forms of media, but this birthday of Dana's is the 6th birthday that I am celebrating with her.

All in all, wished you were there.

I love you best friend. May we celebrate our future birthdays together, for the rest of our lives. Happy birthday Dana. (:

2010-11-27T15:50:00.002+08:00

Living a woven fairytale; dreaming of ominous storms.

Slumber has been visited by hauntings of people of individual pasts, juxaposed and collectively into one unconscious story.

God, I miss Ben so mightily much, and admitting it to friends isn't making it easier to miss him less.

2010-11-27T01:46:00.002+08:00

Day 1 of you being out of town. You are sorely missed, dearest.

I know how excited you were (for and with me) about my new tattoo, and I know how much you wished to have gone through this experience with me. It means a lot - your eagerness, your support, and your need to be with me through this.

Here it is.

2010-11-25T15:03:00.002+08:00

My iPod nano has been uselessly shelved away for the past half a year because I have been too lazy to simply plug it to my laptop and update my playlist. So much has transitioned and transcended these six months, apart from my music taste. The year is closing in to an end. There is plenty to be reviewed and reflected. As much as my youth will be dearly missed, the rest of a lifetime awaits me.

It is finally the to let go of a lifetime of what ever I've still been holding on to.

2010-11-24T22:17:00.004+08:00

Languished, and sleeping with the idea of you being around. Encompassing the illusion of this notion shall pass. Needing you like that, cannot make me. Pining for your physical presence cannot be how my nights are insomniacly dispensed. My ever-ready convenience is always going to put me through this exact sick cycle carousel.

Too weak to escape feelings, too strong to pour my heart all over the table; my limbo on love.

2010-11-22T14:26:00.004+08:00

I pray that with me, you'll never have to fake a smile or hold a tear back. I pray that, you'll always be my vulnerable and beautiful other half, because that will be what keeps me standing by you, knowing that you love me adequately to trust me with your fragility. And above all that, I pray that I am giving my utmost to make you happy.

I want to have made you happy yesterday. I want to make you happy today. I want you make you happy tomorrow. I want all of your yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows with me to be happy.

You have been unconditionally doing all that for me for months now. I have put you through a fair measure of my temperaments and cynicism. And when all I had were abilities and capabilities of hurling my inhibitions back your way, you said to me,"if you don't believe in love, believe in us."

I'll always want to make you happy, but I'll always, too, have extreme inhibitions of emotional attachment and departures. You have been notified of the stories of me growing up and of me being a grown-up. This is the risk you will have to take by affirming your choice of being with me - also being in love with the vulerablility in me of fearing.

2010-11-21T22:19:00.005+08:00

Could it be, that it is not improbable for grown-ups to uncover their soulmates? Could it be, that the vulnerability I saw in your soul through your eyes was the utmost truest daze of affinity I would ever witness from a man to a woman?

Romance and chilvary and magic happen when you're around - like the times when music literally plays when we step into a place, and like the spellbinding moment of enchantment we shared just having the whole cinema to ourselves while slinking back in pleasant disbelief of the coincidence of it all, and like shooting at stars while we laid on the breakwaters, and like madly giggling at our first utters of loving words. There is plenty to recount but there is the gist of this incessant rambling is that there is magic.

Apprehension was so large a focus and lost was the point of what remained before me. Doubt was my priority all this time, yet you taught me new findings about enduring and believing every day. With you and through you, I am learning the art of being thankful for my daily blessings.

You are the coolest boy I'll ever love. You're the purest man I've ever met. You're the most romantic guy who's ever loved me. And I should be so lucky, that I'm the first girl you've ever loved.

We wear the same sunshine when we busk in this love.

Benjamin Tay, be my beautiful little boy always.

"I love you oh so well, enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell." -Dave Matthews

2010-11-21T14:02:00.007+08:00

I was on Youtube searching for Lady Antebellum's videos, when I chanced upon comments that struck my empathy bone. Take a look at the screen-capped image attached to this post. It moved me deeply, and maybe it would for you too.

(Click on image to enlarge.)

Indeed and truly, love is a universal language. It awes me, how media such as Youtube gathers people of this globe of mankind to spiritually know people better, albeit probably never being able to meet one another face-to-face.

Make an unconditional (little) prayer for someone else, because God knows, somebody in this world has read your struggles or somehow heard of your pain, and has secretly prayed for you without you ever being able to physically know.

After all, all I intended to do was to surf for music videos. And I found a Godly kind of invincible human love.

2010-11-20T01:09:00.005+08:00

Someday, you would stop reading this. Someday, none of these would continue to matter. Someday, you would stop laughing at the little things I say. Someday, you would stop possessing the ability to be moved by anything I do. Someday, you would stop writing silly love songs and poems for me. Someday, you would regret promising me a forever. Someday, you would stop noticing me and anything that concerns me. Someday, I would have made you my world and you would have made me an option. Someday, I would end up loving you more than you could ever bring yourself to love me.

That Someday, would be the day I would be crushed and devastatingly alone in this, just like before.

This is all there is to my cards. This was and is how I died and survived death. I can't afford to die once more.

2010-11-18T19:08:00.001+08:00

Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking pictures

I pictured us at the end of time
Holding up a camera to our eyes
I took a picture of you took a picture of me
In the back ground of the picture
Was water running to the sea

So I pictured us standing there
Staying away from time
Watching it like a river
As it slowly washes by

And now
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking pictures

The feed back loop
Is closing in so tight
Surrounding ourselves
With satellites

But I picture us standing there
Staying away from time
Just watching it like a river
As it slowly washes by

And now
Pictures of people taking
I pictured us at the end of time
Taking pictures of nothing

Jack Johnson - Pictures Of People Taking Pictures

2010-11-18T02:15:00.003+08:00

Oh, you're such a pretty thing, I'll take you and I'll make you all mine.
I will steal you from this patient world that'll chase us, it could never take you back.
And I know you know me well enough to know I'm lucky to have you.
But all these are just the little things, the words that I should tell you all the time.
You're so sweet to me when you beat me in doubles solitaire.
You're so sweet to me in a world that's not always fair.

Lost is the number of recallable counts you have taken my breath away. My mind is attempting to conjure a brilliant brew of impressive words to tingle your heart, but the sentimental fool in me is resigning to the simple wonder of how amazing it feels to be thinking of you.

Happiness actualizes whenever you're around, whether in thought or presence. Indites deem themselves superfluous. They just don't make the cut for anything and everything that we functionally are. But for what it's truly worth, I love you and I love us.

I found you and you found me, in the oddest of unexpected places and circumstances. God has been generously doting.

2010-11-13T16:23:00.001+08:00

Feels like the best week of my 23 years. (((:

(Fucking love all of you so fucking much.)

2010-11-12T01:01:00.008+08:00

Yesterday, I was grateful for knowing an extremely caring batch of poly friends, who got together to visit a friend who suffered a burst blood vessel of a blood clot in his brain. Yesterday, I was grateful for a friend not being subjected to the fate of being paralysed. Yesterday, I was grateful to be having beer and pizza with my closest girlfriends (Dana and Phoebe) from school. Yesterday, I was grateful for having my first listen of Button's warm giggles.

Today, I am grateful for the thought from Carmen for buying a hat from Bangkok for me. I am grateful for the great dinner and coffee session with her great company. Today, I am grateful that Button read my previous entry and for him appreciating my weak words. Today, I am grateful that Button called surprisingly earlier and kept me company while I was on the way home, through the phone.

Me: ''It was fucking unglam getting drunk and falling down while dancing with you for the first time.''
Button: ''No it was very memorable. It was the first time I ever picked you up.''

I will always backtrack and (very) dearly think of this as the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me.

2010-11-11T01:46:00.004+08:00

Here in my hand, a lit cigarette. Here on my table, a debris of busy deeds, nagging bills and hefty letters from lawyers. Here in my palms, the powerful mind inserted into pensive inscriptions. Here in my heart, lives contented love and gratitude.

Here are my days, splashed with spectrums of millions of rainbows. Charted new days of calendars frolick about chirpy remembrances of many splendid yesterdays. Songs are played on repetition, and my spirits delight to them, along with the fondest linkages of nostalgia. The bus jerks along with mass motion, but my soul sets at peace against the rest of the bustle of the world. My tiny feet shuffles with haste, but my mind doesn't follow suit. My mind is calm, like an infinite sea. The children of many strange adults dance to their collective child-like muse, and I am surprised to discover that I skip with them. I'm in yet another bus and before the realisation of clocking time strikes me, I am back home.

Luxurious dawdling and idling waste me hours. A text arrives. Maybe a call.

This is where and when, the happiest moments of my every single day happen. The shift of another kind of happiness and love heighten. There is glee in our voices. Our intentions coincide and our intentions meet. We chat endlessly, and it feels like you're right beside me immersed in another brand new happiest memory of my life. I am brought to various scenes, maybe a walk along the shores of a rimless beach, or sitting and serenading on a swing at a chromatically-vibrant park, all with you. Just like that, minutes turn into hours, and there is instilled conviction; there and then in the clutch of seconds, these affirmed moments of days being with you, are the happiest of every day.

Doubt is not quite done with me, but neither is Faith. And maybe it's true afterall, that love is kind.

2010-11-10T01:12:00.002+08:00

Hi, I've missed you greatly. Sleep tight and dream sweet.

2010-11-08T19:53:00.002+08:00

Sitting beside you in school,
While we'd paint I'd make you laugh.
Mine was never very good,
Yours looked exactly like the photograph.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you.

I don't always get the way you feel,
But now I've learned to live with that.
It's like I'm a part of something real.
I was hittin' the bottle, now I've broken the seal.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you

And the sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.

Oh, The sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.

Paolo Nutini - Growing Up With You

This genius, is way underrated. He's an amazing singer and songwriter. Bonus fact is that he's Scottish.

2010-11-06T02:12:00.001+08:00

The foolish fool gets the night bruising up by visits of familiarity. Familiarity can pose largely apprehensive to anticipate, like a recurring ailment. Repetitive occurences have apparently not taught me sufficiently and adequately, to stop me from making the same mistakes in the name of affinity (and what ever that comes close to it). It hurts to have to admit being wired to insisting on staying this stubborn, and learning that the vicious cycle has replayed itself in its exact presentation once again. I find myself in a state of needing to recover and pick myself up.

Strength is never strength when it is easy for anyone to strike you down. So yes, there hasn't been the slightest progress since the trying of the regaining of my self-love. I sit here, penning down opinions of shame and disappointment, towards myself.

I used to staunchly, be in love with the idea of being in love. I was love's greatest fan and believer. That was one of the most endearing trait in me that would keep me rooted to the ground.

Now do you see how scary love can turn out to be? It turned me against itself.

2010-11-05T15:11:00.003+08:00

I was perched outside in the pouring rain
Trying to make myself a sail
Then I'll float to you my darlin'
With the evening on my tail
Although not the most honest means of travel
It gets me there nonetheless
I'm a heartless man at worst, babe
And a helpless one at best

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
Before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh, and I'm often found explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although I'm left defeated
It gets held against my name
I know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I've taken quite enough
well I'm some stain there on your bed sheet
You're my diamond in the rough

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before i go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my hug
i know that there are writings on the wall
But darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my hug

I'll be there waiting for you
I'll be there waiting for you

All the cut throats and their jagged ends-
all of them have got me waiting and waiting
All the cheap and sugary philosophies
have got me on the fence just waiting and waiting
All the Angels and their halo's all of them
have got me waiting and waiting

Paolo Nutini - Candy

My wedding should like this. My wedding video should be filmed like this. My wedding dress should look like this. This is the happiness my wedding should wear - a simple kind of amazing.

2010-11-05T02:12:00.006+08:00

Happy 21st birthday Mummy. I hope you had a fantastic one. I love you, and always will. (:

2010-11-03T22:18:00.004+08:00

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.

But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me

try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Rihanna Ft Eminem - Love The Way You Lie Part II

Pain and love and faded scars, together, will always relate to you.

2010-10-29T03:01:00.002+08:00

The loss, of being displaced in a dilemma if detachment is the best solution to this. You are painted before me like a dream comprising of innocence and joy in purest form. You aren't perfect, like all others, but you're certainly and absolutely, far nearer to perfection than I'll ever be. There is more that is required to meet the criteria for necessity. Still, this lingering inhibition is worrying my clouding mind and heart. Time, will indeed prove multitudes of what has been spoken.

But until then, I do like you, so much. This much is true and knowingly acknowledged.

2010-10-26T21:31:00.001+08:00

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
1. (:
2. =D

Day Ten: One confession.
1. I have a dark secret that I will never divulge, not even when I am in the drunkest of stupors.

2010-10-26T01:00:00.002+08:00

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

Dave Matthews - I'll Back You Up

I miss you.

2010-10-24T20:11:00.004+08:00

Happiness looks so beautiful on you. Happiness on you, took my breath away.

Just like magic, that phased out too many years ago. This innocent enigma, caught me by surprise and off-guard.

This happiness is intimidating, because it has become bigger than me. Vulnerability has suddenly become less than a stranger. Am I safe?

2010-10-24T12:37:00.002+08:00

Day Seven: Four turnoffs.

1. Body odours.
2. Excessive body hair.
3. Bad hold of the English language and its proficiency.
4. Sloppy presentation and hygiene.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. A natural and beautiful smile.
2. Preppy/Indie dressing sense.
3. Musical inclinations.
4. Mild and honest vulnerability.

2010-10-22T06:24:00.000+08:00

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)

1. Mum
2. Sis
3. Dad
4. Dana
5. Potato

2010-10-21T18:26:00.002+08:00

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. I feel fat so I probably look fat.
2. I need to stop shopping online.
3. Should I run?
4. Wondering if you're thinking of me as constantly as I do of you.
5. Must stop drinking so much at parties.
6. Life is too good to let a man matter enough to make it suck.
7. Need to facebook. Need to tweet.

2010-10-20T18:10:00.002+08:00

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I have a feint scar on the left side of my nose from removing my nose piercing. Yes, I had a nose piercing.
2. My tattoo acts as a constant reminder that I must carry my cross virtuously, regardless of difficulties.
3. My current occupation and location of teaching, makes my job my dream job.
4. I have developed a love for running because it is the only way I will allow myself to vent emotions out consciously.
5. I love children, and I'm really good with them.
6. I love baking and cooking, and I have tons of books on these topics.
7. I am a hopeless romantic, who is deeply drawn to dark romance.
8. I am a gentleman at heart.
9. I am a horoscope junkie, but I've learnt to deviate from my Gemini characteristics.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
1. Never be too nice and never going extremely all-out, yet never be a jerk.
2. A beautiful and deep mind that mutually coincides with mine.
3. Communicate with me. Hold deep conversations.
4. Be here for me. Be here with me. And even if you can't, beat yourself up about it because you need/want to, that much.
5. Look at me and truly believe that I am beautiful, inside and out. But never (even if so), tell me you are in love with me because I look beautiful.
6. Never take me lightly. I word my speeches and questions in riddles, but I am always indicating or referring to something.
7. Don't be a bore. Monotony's not my cup of tea. Not one bit.
8. Romance. Never let that die out.

2010-10-18T20:36:00.002+08:00

10 day challenge.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind alot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turnoffs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Thank you for promising to be patient with me, and to willingly offer to wait it out for/with me. It hasn't been too long but we're waiting it out. Without promises, you're still here protecting me. I can't wait for all our plans to materialize and be executed.
2. We gave and we took, each at different parts of our lives, throughout those years. And nothing about that gives you the divine right to hate me. We did hurt one another, to farthest extreme ends. But don't ever forget, that you did it last to me. We were young, and ever so foolish. I did what I had to, to move on. I've wished you happiness for years now. It's time you did the same for me.
3. You have always been the one to receive my deliriously devastated self with loving arms and spirit. I don't think I could live without you. I do hope I am cherishing you to my very own optimum.
4. I don't know which light holds your impression in me anymore. It has fluctuated far too many times beyond count. I don't know if forgiveness is the right word I should be working hard towards when it comes to you. But I know I need to start trying.
5. You, broke me the hardest. You have always been aware of that ability, yet you took that to your sole advantage. Now I can't even remember how I ever got anywhere with you. You're a terrible excuse for a human being. You ought to realise that.
6. Through some force of warped unexplainable nature, we'll always run back to each other, no matter what. I'll always be here to protect you. (You make me laugh the hardest, always.)
7. You have been the second greatest friend any living person could ever have. I am grateful for the mutual friendship we share that stands tighter now, than ever. Someday, you'll be the Godpa to my children and I, the Godma of yours.
8. You have waited it out for a long time. In fact, the longest anyone has, for me. But we cannot be what we are not meant to be. But I'll always be your friend, if you'll have me. Trust me, I'm a keeper for a friend.
9. I miss you, so much, everytime I think of you. The scarring pain has began fading away, but I know we're still connected, in the strangest of ways. I'll see you someday, somehow. God will let us meet again.
10. Deep down, I really hope you'd wake up and stop living in so much delusional ideations of twisted relationships. You're a great man, so stop picking those with most insane of characters. There is not a single bone of yours that is unkind, and you do deserve better.

2010-10-17T21:36:00.001+08:00

It's a choice to stay
It's a dream yeah and I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint
And honey yeah, you can't decide

I'm a drug you don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarette and make your love flow
You poured blood in my heart, I can't get enough
I'm drowning and you can't decide

It's not about geography or happenstance
You need to fly and take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
And float on high and forever dance alone
You're scared 'cause I feel like home

I hear your voice and I knew right away
If you were here what your eyes would say
I have blood on my feet as I walk away
Rivers are red, it's starting to rain

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
Oh, you leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you

I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
Shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not 'til Sunday afternoon, Sunday afternoon

Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon

2010-10-15T01:35:00.002+08:00

Things I am happy and grateful for/about this week:

My kids at the international school has been obedient, and they have been improving so rapidly over the past couple of weeks. In addition, lessons with them are always fun and chipper. These kids make me happy so easily.
My tutee did a drewing for me to welcome me into her house. She practiced her pieces.
My other tutee (the above's brother) is nearly ready to take his virgin ABRSM theory examinations and I'm certain he's going to score me some pride with a distinction.
Dana spent the night at my place last night after boozing at the pavilion for a bit. It felt like living the reminiscing, just conversing and doing nonsense until the crack of dawn. Time with her made me appreciate and cherish my loved ones, a lot more.
I'll be giving a garage band crash course to my very own primary school (CHIJ Katong Convent). Am extremely proud of myself. This one week of crash course lessons is equivalent to earning my moolahs for the entire month. Go figure the numericals.
My stamina has improved from consistently going for weekly runs. I've hit 3 laps now. It's just going to get better.
Pay's arriving!
Crazy partying with the buddies and long time friends!

2010-10-13T12:42:00.001+08:00

What if we stopped having a ball
What if the paint chips from the wall
What if there's always cups in the sink
What if I'm not what you think I am
What if I fall further than you
What if you dream of somebody new
What if I never let you win and chase you with a rolling pin
Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up on making passes
and I am giving up on half empty glasses
and I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes in after nine
What if your eyes close before mine
What if you lose yourself sometimes
I'll be the one to find you safe in my heart.

I am giving
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
for you.
I-I am giving up for you
I am giving up

Ingrid Michaelson - Giving Up

2010-10-11T23:49:00.004+08:00

Everytime recollections of past hurt re-ignite, the familiar vulnerability takes another visit down pain's lane. Emotions are foolish lee-ways of complacency - a type that overlooks all roughs of journeys towards staunch control. Even if they are not, emotions seem to play the leading roles of liabilities more than any single mentionable form of comfort. Too long have I been evading matters of the heart, and my complete control has been a form of favourite comfort. It took three trying months to get past constant wantings to ruin myself, to finally have me composed to this safe and confident person that makes me now.

Tonight, I am being reminded of a brokenness not too distant. I am weak, because I have loosened my grip of that control. This how being capable of profoundly feeling plagues me.

2010-10-11T02:18:00.013+08:00

You and your beautiful mind, are greatly akin to a dark and infinite lullaby. One that romances me in deeper, one that will strike me weaker. Your thoughts remain enigmatic to me, the irony that revolves around you has had my fascination encapsulated. Still, my forts erect with unbreakable resistence. A heart, can indeed possibly be hard, and encaptured, all at once; of knowing of an astounding capability, yet declining opportunities for another dose of profound mystery.

2010-10-08T22:31:00.001+08:00

Happiness is the art of being broken ~ Bruce Dawe

Happiness is the art of being broken
With least sound. The old, whom circumstance
Has ground smooth as green bottle-glass
On the sea's furious grindstone, very often
Practise it to perfection. (For them, death
Is the one definitive shrug
In an infinite series, all prior gestures
Take relevance from this, as much express
Sorrow for stiff canary or cold son.)

Always the first fragmentation
Stirs us to fear...Beyond that point
We learn where we belong, in what uncaring
Complex depths we roll, lashed by light,
Tumbling in anemone-dazzled fathoms
Seek innocence in surrender,
Senility an ironic act of charity
Easing the agony of disparateness until
That day when, all identity lost, we serve
As curious for children roaming beaches,
Makeshift monocles through which they view
The same green transitory world we also knew.

2010-10-06T21:50:00.007+08:00

Don't yearn to break my walls down. Accept me for my strength of a defence mechanism. And if it's meant to be, my forts of guards will crumble. We'd just have to wait.

2010-10-04T16:40:00.004+08:00

Good times. Live it up, while singlehood still stands. (:

September this year was by far the best month I have ever had as a single woman. The rest of 2010 is injected with endless glee and opportunities. I am thrilled to also announce that the company has offered me a contract with my former primary school. I've long wanted to teach in a convent school, what more the privelege of teaching in one that brought me up to somewhat be the person I am now.

Zoukout happens in December too. That would be my very first Zoukout experience. Guetta is spinning! I am brimmed with exhileration. Can't wait.

Life's been so awesome, words can hardly measure up to its extent. I hope it stays this way.

2010-10-03T21:49:00.000+08:00

Even the wealthiest and wisest of human beings, grow old and die like the rest of us. Death does not discriminate, and it will not make spare any of the humanly extraordinary. At the end of time as we know it, death catches up with us just the same as it will any other. Most of us get choked up with fear at the imagination of how we'd process death and dying. The older we age, the deeper the fear instinctively instills within.

Ever since a fateful happening many a years ago, I have not been able to bring myself to watch montages compiling death and nostalgia. Have been there, have done that, have had a part of myself killed every since, and I have not been willing to subject myself to any recollection of that major fragment of my past.

There is no bottomline to this post that speaks of death in the least fondly manner. The only summation that can be possibly inscripted, is that death is probably my biggest fear. Not the implemention of my passing or the process of it, but rather the anticipation or loss of someone dear.

Have you ever lost someone beloved and had that loss weigh you down like a buried underlying scar for the rest of your life, like a turning point? Mine was never over the loss of a romantic partner, mine will always be over the physical and spiritual going of a best friend. The truth of her last breath and the way it came about, will always remain my turning point. There is nothing I can do to turn that around.

2010-09-16T22:44:00.002+08:00

To fall in love, is to willingly permit intrusion into your life. No longer in my memories are the existence of past relationships, or the slightest remembrances of what this crazy little big thing feels like. My heart has conditioned itself to transition into a morbid beating piece of flesh. Love, of late, has become a grotesque of a loose verbal giveaway.

The apocalypse of his ever-ready departure has thus remained me in a sea of debris, one of causing this colossal hollow in me. I am no longer a person and I no longer live and am dispossessed of my greatest ability.

Night has prostrated before me, and I claw deep within fragments of brokenness for a touch of familiarity of emotion. You were my true first cut, and deepest it indeed is.

2010-09-12T22:39:00.003+08:00

Obsessive justifications demean one's character. If there is no misdeed swept under your sleeve, there is the absolute need of zilch to instantly justify your actions. And once you find yourself justifying more than needing be, that's probably when you need to make attempts apologising instead.

2010-09-11T15:19:00.005+08:00

The week off work has been incredible per se. One outing lead to another, likewise for the parties.

If it feels beautiful, it's breakable. Beauty is perishable. Do yourself justice and know better, than to count on beauty.

2010-09-10T03:24:00.001+08:00

I ran out of faith. I ran out of tears. I ran out of love. And now I've ran out of excuses to give anyone for mistakes that they make.

2010-09-08T19:48:00.001+08:00

Whee this is fun! (:

Make up: Maira
Photography: Farhan

2010-09-03T23:03:00.002+08:00

A beautiful boy made my night tonight. The simplest of joys are the deepest.

2010-09-02T23:58:00.002+08:00

Grieving is essential and when the the mourning pain subsides, bittersweetness lingers. You carry it with you as your personal cross, a burden that establishes as another package of baggage. It doesn't make you any larger of a faithful skeptic, but it transforms you. The past revolutionizes the way you become, and inevitably today will eternally be scripted as past the day after. When this stageplay of mental suffering is done processing, strength will be your fundamental upperhand. Appreciation for the goodness of your own well-being follows. These will direct to a coming time, when grudges flicker out and all that are left of ill feelings will be waived.

There is time for grief, and grief it was time for. Indeed, there is a time for everything. Now, to set a good eye on a better tomorrow, in earnest hope of never having to relive the inhumane despondency once more.

Feelings matter. And I will continue feeling whatever that needs to be felt, until someday, I am fundamentally happy for the long sail.

2010-08-29T12:24:00.001+08:00

Quietude can hold such soulful beauty.

2010-08-26T17:25:00.005+08:00

It's quite amusing teaching a Caucasian how to speak Chinese when the standard of my Mandarin is (on its own) in the pits.

2010-08-25T23:47:00.001+08:00

You wait for a silence
I wait for a word
Lying next to your frame
Girl unobserved
You change your position
You're changing me
Casting these shadows
Where they shouldn't be

We're interrupted
By the heat of the sun
Trying to prevent
What's already begun
You're just a body
I can smell your skin
And when I feel it
You're wearing thin

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer
Decide the words I say?
Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me?

Sat on your sofa
It's all broken springs
This isn't the place for
Those violin strings
I try out a smile
And I aim it at you
You must have missed it
You always do

You wait
I wait
Casting shadows
Interrupted

Ellie Goulding - The Writer

_ _____ ____ ___.

2010-08-25T21:10:00.001+08:00

You see the night is all I have to make me fear
And all I want is just a love to make it hurt
'Cause all I need is something fine to make me loose
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you

Because this song is all I have to make me feel
And all it takes is just a love to make it hurt
And every sound erased in time could make me loose
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you

But now there's nothing left to do but waste my time
I never knew where to move on, I never knew what to rely upon
Now there's nothing left to say to change your mind
And if you're unhappy still I will be hanging on your line
Should you return, should you return, should you return

Because the night is all I have to make me fear
And all I want is just a drink to make it worth while
'Cause all I need is someone close to make me loose
Now it's a funny way I find myself with you

But there's nothing left to do but waste my time
I never knew where to move on, I never knew what to rely upon
But now there's nothing left to say to change your mind
And if you're unhappy still I will be hanging on your line

And now there's nothing left to do to draw your eyes
(and now theres nothing left to do)
I never knew where to move on, I never knew what to rely upon
And now there's nothing left to say to change your mind
And if you're just sinking down I will be pulling on your line

And now theres nothing left to do but waste my time
I never knew where to move on, I never knew what to rely upon
Now there's nothing left to say to change your mind
And if you're unhappy still I will be hanging on your line
Should you return, should you return, should you return

Copeland - Should You Return

2010-08-25T01:46:00.001+08:00

All through the twilight you're listening for me
Darling, go to sleep
Cradled by moonlight, I'm dreaming we'll be
Loved so deep

Floating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my marvelous flight

Copeland - Kite

Mark, the beauty of poetry in melodies.

2010-08-22T03:22:00.000+08:00

Chances are when said and done
Who will be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we'll find a new equation
Chances run away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I'm just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to look beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I'll see us through yeah

Chances are we'll find two destinations
Chances run away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
And possibilities
Over me

Eight to five or two to one
Lay your money on the sun
Until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you bring
You've got to cry before you see

Chances, chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we'll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

Five For Fighting - Chances

2010-08-22T02:20:00.003+08:00

These...

...are the best friends I intend to grow old with and tell stories to my future children about "How I Met Uncle Potato and Aunt Dana".

(:

2010-08-20T02:16:00.002+08:00

Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you'll begin to make it better
Better, better, better, better, better

Across The Universe - Hey Jude

Songs that make your waterworks jerk; songs that leave you confused and bittersweet. Songwriters who lead you into wondering if their songs are meant to be perceived with melancholy or hope for love.

It took me years to finally take a complete listen to this song, and this song is sweet, just as how love should be. (:

2010-08-19T20:40:00.003+08:00

Welcoming my first ever ukelele to my humble abode! I've been trying to master several chords for the past 3 hours already. My fingers are feeling a tad bit numb but it is not as nearly as painful as picking up playing the guitar. The psycho-motor issue that was faced initially (contrastly differentiating from finger positions when playing the piano) is surprisingly dissipating as the practices show results of improvement.

The music/sound from ukeleles becomes more tasteful as it acquired. Ukeleles will grow on you, as it did on me. Bonuses are that its freps are shorter (excellent for people with small hands like myself) and the strings are softer than those belonging to a guitar's.

My ukelele was bought at UkeleleMovement, located at Dunlop Street. UkeleleMovement is the only company/organization that focuses on everything ukelele, from products to accessories to books, and even to lessons and workshops! The staff there are really helpful in offering their extended services, to guide you through every step of your doubts and inhibitions about ukeleles.

You will never know how much fun a ukelele is until you've tried it hands-on!

This is what my my new baby looks like (except that it has white strings instead)!